Nick Swisher or Southpaw?

At the Sox game last night, it was announced that Southpaw, the White Sox mascot, was celebrating his third birthday.

At the same game, Nick Swisher fell down while making a routine play in right field.



I was struck by the similarities between the two members of the White Sox. Since signing with the Sox, the main upside to Swisher is that he's "fun", "keeps everybody loose", and "he's a great clubhouse guy." In other words, we traded Ryan Sweeney and Gio Gonzalez for another mascot. So, the question remains: who would you rather have on your team, Southpaw or Nick Swisher? Here, for the first time, is a heads up comparison of the two:

1. Lineage
Southpaw
Southpaw joins a revered list of White Sox mascots, including Waldo the White Sox wolf, and the immortal Ribbie and Roobarb:

note: i'm not sure if they're selling the van, or if they lived in the van together.

Nick Swisher
Nick is the son of Steve Swisher, who apparently was a catcher on the Cubs at some point.

Advantage: Southpaw
It would be easy for me to simply say "Swisher's dad was on the Cubs, and the Cubs suck, so therefore Swisher sucks." No, i'm going to take the high road. I'm giving Southpaw the advantage because everyone knows that the only Cubs catcher worth a damn was Hector Villanueva.

I vaguely remember a day in the summer of 1992 when Hector hit a ball off the Wrigley Field scoreboard clock. The impact caused the clock to become frozen in time, much like the Hill Valley clock tower in Back to the Future. Then, I realized that I was watching a Cubs game, and switched back to NBC's Barcelona olympic triplecast. Southpaw 1, Swisher 0

2. Versatility
Southpaw:
To my knowledge, Southpaw has never actually been involved in a game, unlike that midget that Bill Veeck sent up to bat that one time.

Nick Swisher
Although Swisher's natural position is first base, he's played at first base, center field, and right field this year (see above)

Advantage: Southpaw
Although Southpaw's never played in a game, he's probably still a better option in the outfield than Swisher, who often looks as clueless as Fred McGriff in those Tom Emanski baseball world training videos.

Southpaw 2, Swisher 0

3. Intangibles
Southpaw
Along with spreading good times and cheer to all the young Sox fans, Southpaw is usually seen with the "Chevy Pride Crew," a group of scantilly clad Mother McAuley dropouts in hotpants. Together, Southpaw and the Pride Crew distribute crappy t-shirts via a pressurized PVC cannon. Along with the McGriddles race, it's usually the highlight of the game

Swisher
Swisher has a reputation of sacrificing his hair for worthy causes. Last year, he donated his hair to cancer patients, and this year has dyed his facial hair both pink and blue to raise awareness for breast and prostate cancer
Advantage: Swisher
As much as I love the hot pants crew, I have a bit of an axe to grind. One day, the pride crew was throwing out shirts. The kid behind me was standing on his seat, jumping up and down and yelling for a shirt. He also has a tray of nachos in his right hand. A shirt came his way, and the nachos ended up all over my fucking jacket! "Oh, my bad dude," was his only reply. Needless to say, I now have that kid's head in my trophy cabinet. That incident, along with Swisher's commitment to cancer awarness, give Swisher his only points of the afternoon. Southpaw 2, Swisher 1.

THE WINNER: SOUTHPAW
I'm not a Kenny Williams hater; in fact, I think he's the best GM in the game. But, as the above scientific testing shows, the trade for Swisher was simply unnecessary.

So, what to do with Swish? (doesn't anyone else know that's slang for homosexual?). I think the only thing to do would be to start Anderson in center, and have Southpaw and Swisher team up to form a mascot tag-team. A next generation Ribbie and Roobarb. Hell, Swisher's already halfway there with the pink beard. Either that, or trade him for YOUPPI!