ANYTHING'S POSSIBLE!

Well, the Celtics won last night. Which led to this:

All those years, all that hard work, all those pancakes....well, what can you say now?

The NBA Finals (or, why purple is for losers)

The NBA Finals between the Lakers and Celtics began about a week and a half ago. I don't have an allegiance to either team, since i'm a Bulls fan. However, I've found myself rooting for the Celtics since the series began. I've given it some thought (I really don't have much to do these days), and here are some reasons why i'm rooting for the Celtics to win it all.


1. The Chicago connection
Kevin Garnett was a prep standout at Farragut on the city's west side. PJ Brown played for the Bulls following the Tyson Chandler trade. Paul Pierce was stabbed in the face. Okay, that last one technically has nothing to do with Chicago, but still...he got stabbed in the fucking face! Meanwhile, the only adversity Kobe Bryant had to deal with was forgetting to get his permission slip signed before embarking on a field trip down the Hershey highway.

If you know what I mean.

And you do.

2. They've earned it
Kevin Garnett spent the first twelve years of his career in Minnesota. Forget how crappy the T-Wolves were...can you imagine living in Minneapolis for twelve years? Talk about boring...I'm assuming Garnett passed a lot of time eating pancakes at Prince's house. Meanwhile, Paul Pierce was forced to carry the Celtics with Antoine "oh, no donuts for me thanks.....well, maybe I'll take a Baker's Dozen" Walker. Ray Allen's been toiling in relative obscurity in Milwaukee and Seattle. Granted, he did make the all-star team eight times, but still. At the same time, Kobe's already got three rings, which is three too many. Phil Jackson's already got nine rings for coaching, which again is too many for a guy who considers this completely incoherent book to be a guiding force in his life. Seriously, I remember trying to read that piece of garbage in high school philosophy class. I think we got through the first chapter before Mr. Korner decided that nap time would be a far better use of taxpayer money.

3. Sasha Vujacic

In the past fifteen years, basketball has become a global game. Some of the NBA's best players, including Yao Ming, Dirk Nowitzki, and Mehmet Okur are foriegn-born. I'm all for globalization and world peace and all that, but I absolutely cannot stand Vujacic. For one thing, he's the biggest flopper in the league...that guy never met a non-call he didn't like. Second, he's complains so much, he makes Rasheed Wallace look downright stoic. Third, he's a drug addict...or, at least he looks a lot like Leo Fitzpatrick, who played a drug addict in both Kids and The Wire. Or, maybe he doesn't. Either way, with the amount he flops around and complains, it doesn't take a genius to figure out that this guy's clearly a meth head.

4. The Lakers' team colors

Let me just say that I have nothing against the color purple. Purple is a combination of blue and red, two primary colors. It is the color of kings, the color of bravery, and the color of advent, the holiest days in the Roman Catholic church. Purple Rain is one of the greatest albums of all time, and The Color Purple was one of the few books I actually read in Mr. Johnson's world literature class (along with The Stranger, which unfortunately had nothing to do with this). Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, purple is the color of the greatest of all the McDonald land characters, Grimace.

That being said, purple has no place on a professional sports team's uniform. Or, more simply put, purple is for losers. If you look at the list of professional teams that currently feature purple as a primary color, you'll find that the Lakers are the only team that has won a championship:

NBA: L.A. Lakers, Utah Jazz, New Orleans Hornets, Sacramento Kings, Toronto Raptors
MLB: Colorado Rockies
NHL: L.A. Kings
NFL: Minnesota Vikings, Baltimore Ravens

Furthermore, the only college team I can think of who wears purple is Northwestern, a school whose football team has only won one bowl game (in 1949), and holds the Division 1-A records for losses and points allowed. Furthermore, Northwestern's most famous athlete alumni was Mike Adamle, notable for his commentary on the original American Gladiators. Which is kinda cool, actually. Nonetheless, it bears repeating: purple is for losers.


So, anyway, that's why I'm rooting for the Celtics, despite the fact that a Celtics victory will mean yet another championship for the city of Boston. Well, at least we Chicagoans didn't have to deal with this nightmare.

Orlando Cabrera sign generator

Sox Machine has come up with an Orlando Cabrera sign generator. Now, you can display your true feelings towards our one year rent-a-shortstop. I decided to haiku (yes, I just made haiku a verb) an ode to the Colombian crybaby:You can make your own sign here.

Nick Swisher or Southpaw?

At the Sox game last night, it was announced that Southpaw, the White Sox mascot, was celebrating his third birthday.

At the same game, Nick Swisher fell down while making a routine play in right field.



I was struck by the similarities between the two members of the White Sox. Since signing with the Sox, the main upside to Swisher is that he's "fun", "keeps everybody loose", and "he's a great clubhouse guy." In other words, we traded Ryan Sweeney and Gio Gonzalez for another mascot. So, the question remains: who would you rather have on your team, Southpaw or Nick Swisher? Here, for the first time, is a heads up comparison of the two:

1. Lineage
Southpaw
Southpaw joins a revered list of White Sox mascots, including Waldo the White Sox wolf, and the immortal Ribbie and Roobarb:

note: i'm not sure if they're selling the van, or if they lived in the van together.

Nick Swisher
Nick is the son of Steve Swisher, who apparently was a catcher on the Cubs at some point.

Advantage: Southpaw
It would be easy for me to simply say "Swisher's dad was on the Cubs, and the Cubs suck, so therefore Swisher sucks." No, i'm going to take the high road. I'm giving Southpaw the advantage because everyone knows that the only Cubs catcher worth a damn was Hector Villanueva.

I vaguely remember a day in the summer of 1992 when Hector hit a ball off the Wrigley Field scoreboard clock. The impact caused the clock to become frozen in time, much like the Hill Valley clock tower in Back to the Future. Then, I realized that I was watching a Cubs game, and switched back to NBC's Barcelona olympic triplecast. Southpaw 1, Swisher 0

2. Versatility
Southpaw:
To my knowledge, Southpaw has never actually been involved in a game, unlike that midget that Bill Veeck sent up to bat that one time.

Nick Swisher
Although Swisher's natural position is first base, he's played at first base, center field, and right field this year (see above)

Advantage: Southpaw
Although Southpaw's never played in a game, he's probably still a better option in the outfield than Swisher, who often looks as clueless as Fred McGriff in those Tom Emanski baseball world training videos.

Southpaw 2, Swisher 0

3. Intangibles
Southpaw
Along with spreading good times and cheer to all the young Sox fans, Southpaw is usually seen with the "Chevy Pride Crew," a group of scantilly clad Mother McAuley dropouts in hotpants. Together, Southpaw and the Pride Crew distribute crappy t-shirts via a pressurized PVC cannon. Along with the McGriddles race, it's usually the highlight of the game

Swisher
Swisher has a reputation of sacrificing his hair for worthy causes. Last year, he donated his hair to cancer patients, and this year has dyed his facial hair both pink and blue to raise awareness for breast and prostate cancer
Advantage: Swisher
As much as I love the hot pants crew, I have a bit of an axe to grind. One day, the pride crew was throwing out shirts. The kid behind me was standing on his seat, jumping up and down and yelling for a shirt. He also has a tray of nachos in his right hand. A shirt came his way, and the nachos ended up all over my fucking jacket! "Oh, my bad dude," was his only reply. Needless to say, I now have that kid's head in my trophy cabinet. That incident, along with Swisher's commitment to cancer awarness, give Swisher his only points of the afternoon. Southpaw 2, Swisher 1.

THE WINNER: SOUTHPAW
I'm not a Kenny Williams hater; in fact, I think he's the best GM in the game. But, as the above scientific testing shows, the trade for Swisher was simply unnecessary.

So, what to do with Swish? (doesn't anyone else know that's slang for homosexual?). I think the only thing to do would be to start Anderson in center, and have Southpaw and Swisher team up to form a mascot tag-team. A next generation Ribbie and Roobarb. Hell, Swisher's already halfway there with the pink beard. Either that, or trade him for YOUPPI!

In the beginning...

Every good superhero needs a creation story. Superman was sent by Marlon Brando to save the world.
Batman avenged the death of his parents by training with the most fearsome ninja warrior of all time, Liam Neeson.

I didn't see the Hulk, but I'm assuming he stood a little too close to the microwave one day while cooking up a delicious Lean Cuisine chicken bacon ranch panini

Unfortunately, my creation story is nowhere near as exciting as any of these. I was born in Chicago on May 2, 1983. Then, there was childhood, which I either don't remember or i've repressed into the deepest recesses of my subconscious. I went to high school at Whitney Young Magnet High School, notable for it's famous alumni including the originator of the "terrorist fist jab"

I then spent four years at the University of Michigan. Michigan also has a number of notable alumni, including two that make me want to commit suicide:

When I returned to Chicago, the White Sox won the world series. This was a momentous occasion for a number of reasons. For one, it marked the last time I actually cheered for Juan Uribe:

More importantly, it allowed this to take place:

Then, nothing happened for a while. I got a job at the Illinois Eye Institute, where I've worked for the past two and a half years. I started law school at DePaul last fall, where I took evening classes while working during the day. This summer I'll be studying in Madrid for a month, before returning to Chicago for my second year of law school. I'll be updating in my free time, which will probably be nil once school starts in August. Hopefully by then, Alexi Ramirez will be well on his way to the AL rookie of the year. Meanwhile, Juan Uribe's fearless devotion to skoal and powdered donuts will leave him looking something like this:

Seriously, just get rid of him already.