A historic presidency

Much has been made about the historic nature of Barack Obama's presidential campaign. If elected, Obama would become the first bi-racial president in our country's history. This is seen by many as a symbol of how the racial attitudes our country have evolved over the past 400 years.

While Obama's race undoubtedly makes his presidential bid historic, an even more important aspect of Obama has been largely overlooked by the press and public as a whole. If elected, Barack Obama would become the first White Sox fan president in history.


Needless to say, I'm voting for him. Hell, I'd vote for Dan Pasqua if he ran for president. But, the thing I like the most about Obama is that he's not a fair weather fan. Yeah, I know he's not a south sider...I think he's from Kansas, or Hawaii, or Indonesia, or Afghanistan, hell who can keep track anymore. However, Obama has always declared himself to be a White Sox fan, and refused to pander or flip flop in a lame attempt to get votes.

This New York Times article details how Obama openly introduced himself as a White Sox fan to a room of Red Sox fans in Boston. Keep in mind, this was before Game 1 of the World Series in 2007. New Hampshire, site of the first presidential primary, is also a hotbed of Red Sox fans. Obama could have easily said "I love the Red Sox! Dwight Evans is my top V.P. pick! Jim Rice should be in the Hall of Fame and have a solid gold cathedral built in honor of his might and glory!" But, Obama refused, saying plainly, "I am a White Sox fan." My NIGGA...oh shit, I can't say that. Wait, can I? Hell, who can keep track anymore.


Compare this with Obama's democratic rival, Hillary Clinton. She grew up in Park Ridge, so she claims to be a Cubs fan. However, she's also been seen at Yankee games in a lame attempt to carpetbag the dumbasses in the Bronx. If Hillary said "I'm a Cubs fan," I'd respect her a lot more. I'd still stab the bitch, but respectfully. Instead, Hillary tried to play both sides, claiming to be a fan of the two most popular teams in baseball. And she lost. Coincidence? No, divine intervention.

Of course, our Mayor's also a Sox fan. As oppossed to Blago, who's a Cubs fan. They're both horribly corrupt, but Da Mere is just a lot better at hiding it. By the way, what's with the floppy hat look? Both Obama and Daley look like they got those hats for free on kid's night. I think if you're a bigwig politician, you need to spring for something a little more classy. Personally, I think Obama would look great in this one:







Throw on some Ice Cream sneaks, and he's set....although, that may be a little too "urban" for him. Which means black. He'd look like a black guy. Can I say that?

Bike People: An Immersion Case Study

Earlier this year, I bought a Jamis Satellite, a steel-frame road bike. In the past 3 months, I've spent a lot of time riding my bike..I ride it to work, to the store, and every once in a while I ride it through Garfield Park and Lawndale. Quickly. Like most Chicagoans, I spent most of my time riding on the lakefront path. I've had the privilege of observing a wide array of unique characters and downright insane motherfuckers who also enjoy the fine art of bike riding. So now, I present to you, dear readers (Marty), an in-depth study of the people we call: bike people.

1. Captain Spandex
Preferred bike: Anything carbon fiber from a manufacturer you've never heard of
Notable accessory: XXX Racing jersey and shorts
Asshole rating:9

The racer is what every non-bike rider thinks of when they think of a 'bike person." Captain Spandex is somewhat of a paradox: he clearly has a lot of money, as evidenced by his $5,000 bike and $250 custom cleated booties (hehe booties). Yet, Captain Spandex can often be seen riding the lakefront path in the middle of the day. No, Captain Spandex is not a professional cyclist...don't let the matching jersey and shorts fool you. His 6 ft, 150 pound frame makes him cycling's equivalent of the Michelin man. Instead, Captain Spandex spends his days futily attempting to shave 100 grams off his body in an attempt to shave 2 seconds off his time, all while flying past you without saying a word. Asshole.

2. The Messenger
Preferred bike: Fixed gear that's totally custom so i've got the only one there's none other like it yours sucks cause it's not mine i'm cool as shit
Notable accessory: Chrome bag that's totally custom so i've got the only....you get the idea
Asshole rating:9

Next on our list is bike messenger guy. I've got him listed on an equal level of assholedness as Captain Spandex. Even though they're opposites, they basically have all the same traits. They're so pretentious that they make the assholes at Reckless Records seem accomodating. They're deeply offended that anyone would ever consider not riding a bike to do anything, including mowing the lawn. They wear those hats with the little brim. What's up with those little brim hats? I'm tempted to give bike messenger guy an edge over the Captain Spandex because he does have a job...but then again, what the fuck do bike messengers deliver? Packages? Ever heard of UPS? Messengers probably consider their job a "lifestyle choice," but they're really just burnouts who are too fucked to get a job at Starbucks. Asshole.

3. Mountain Bike Guy
Preferred bike: Totally unnecessary mountain bike
Notable accessory: Cargo shorts, sandals, and shirt-free
Asshole rating:7

Mountain bike guy is what happens when Wrigleyville frat guys are allowed on two wheels. He clearly has no idea how to purchase a bike, considering he rides a mountain bike in THE FLATTEST CITY ON EARTH! He doesn't know how to adjust his seat, since his knees never extend more than 90 degrees. He wears sandals. And cargo shorts. And a white baseball hat. And not a shirt. Just kill the motherfucker already. As much as I hate Wrigleyville frat guys, I'm only giving mountain bike guy a 7 on the asshole scale. His sheer ignorance concerning bike riding make his sins a little more forgivable. But for god's sake, put a fucking shirt on. Asshole.

4. The Quad-Family Carriage of Doom
Preferred bike: a heinous contraption that never should have been invented
Notable accessory: The severed torso of a 4 year old
Asshole rating:8

I can picture in my mind the meeting that was the genesis of this bike.."Hey, why don't we create a bike that the whole family can enjoy! Together! We'll also put little seats in the front, so kids who still shit themselves can join in the fun! Yay!" Unfortunately, the Carriage of Doom has turned out to be, well, kind of dangerous. I've never seen these things go faster than 5 mph, which is slower than Aunt Emmy's Molasses.

The worst thing about them is that they take up the WHOLE path...you can't get around them, and if you try you're liable to end up in a head-on collision with a shirtless rollerblader, which would be horrible, yes it would, no I wouldn't like that at all, but we all experiment from time to time, don't we?

The tourists who rent these things also think it's a good idea to cram all of their kids into one doom carriage..I've literally seen 8 people in these things at a time. The Carriage of Doom is the SUV of bikes: Huge, slow, and absolutely unecessary. Assholes.

5. Second Chance at Life Guy
Preferred Bike: Whatever bike they had 30 years ago, yes it's the same bike, isn't that amazing?
Notable accessory: Really expensive bike bags that only rich white people can afford
Asshole rating:3

Rounding out our list of bike people is Second Chance at Life guy. He just started riding his bike to work, have you heard? Of course you have, cause he can't shut the fuck up about it. It doesn't matter that he's almost 50, he's still got the energy to get up Monday morning and ride his bike! To work! Every day! Until Tuesday, when his ass is so sore it feels like he spent the night at shirtless rollerblading guy's house. Still, I like Mr. Second Chance. He's getting in shape, and not letting his age control his life. Plus, he's slow as fuck, which makes him the only guy I can pass on a regular basis. Keep up the good work!

So, you may be wondering (and you're not), "which one are you, Matt? So easy to judge, but you're obviously just as bad as ALL of these people." Yes, theoretical reader, I am. I own hi-tech spandex bullshit. I have a messenger bag. I talk about how I ride my bike everywhere and how it makes me better than everyone. So, why do I spend my time criticizing people who are just like me? I think Homer Simpson said it best:

Marge: You know Homer, it's easy to criticize....
Homer: Fun, too