The NBA Finals (or, why purple is for losers)

The NBA Finals between the Lakers and Celtics began about a week and a half ago. I don't have an allegiance to either team, since i'm a Bulls fan. However, I've found myself rooting for the Celtics since the series began. I've given it some thought (I really don't have much to do these days), and here are some reasons why i'm rooting for the Celtics to win it all.


1. The Chicago connection
Kevin Garnett was a prep standout at Farragut on the city's west side. PJ Brown played for the Bulls following the Tyson Chandler trade. Paul Pierce was stabbed in the face. Okay, that last one technically has nothing to do with Chicago, but still...he got stabbed in the fucking face! Meanwhile, the only adversity Kobe Bryant had to deal with was forgetting to get his permission slip signed before embarking on a field trip down the Hershey highway.

If you know what I mean.

And you do.

2. They've earned it
Kevin Garnett spent the first twelve years of his career in Minnesota. Forget how crappy the T-Wolves were...can you imagine living in Minneapolis for twelve years? Talk about boring...I'm assuming Garnett passed a lot of time eating pancakes at Prince's house. Meanwhile, Paul Pierce was forced to carry the Celtics with Antoine "oh, no donuts for me thanks.....well, maybe I'll take a Baker's Dozen" Walker. Ray Allen's been toiling in relative obscurity in Milwaukee and Seattle. Granted, he did make the all-star team eight times, but still. At the same time, Kobe's already got three rings, which is three too many. Phil Jackson's already got nine rings for coaching, which again is too many for a guy who considers this completely incoherent book to be a guiding force in his life. Seriously, I remember trying to read that piece of garbage in high school philosophy class. I think we got through the first chapter before Mr. Korner decided that nap time would be a far better use of taxpayer money.

3. Sasha Vujacic

In the past fifteen years, basketball has become a global game. Some of the NBA's best players, including Yao Ming, Dirk Nowitzki, and Mehmet Okur are foriegn-born. I'm all for globalization and world peace and all that, but I absolutely cannot stand Vujacic. For one thing, he's the biggest flopper in the league...that guy never met a non-call he didn't like. Second, he's complains so much, he makes Rasheed Wallace look downright stoic. Third, he's a drug addict...or, at least he looks a lot like Leo Fitzpatrick, who played a drug addict in both Kids and The Wire. Or, maybe he doesn't. Either way, with the amount he flops around and complains, it doesn't take a genius to figure out that this guy's clearly a meth head.

4. The Lakers' team colors

Let me just say that I have nothing against the color purple. Purple is a combination of blue and red, two primary colors. It is the color of kings, the color of bravery, and the color of advent, the holiest days in the Roman Catholic church. Purple Rain is one of the greatest albums of all time, and The Color Purple was one of the few books I actually read in Mr. Johnson's world literature class (along with The Stranger, which unfortunately had nothing to do with this). Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, purple is the color of the greatest of all the McDonald land characters, Grimace.

That being said, purple has no place on a professional sports team's uniform. Or, more simply put, purple is for losers. If you look at the list of professional teams that currently feature purple as a primary color, you'll find that the Lakers are the only team that has won a championship:

NBA: L.A. Lakers, Utah Jazz, New Orleans Hornets, Sacramento Kings, Toronto Raptors
MLB: Colorado Rockies
NHL: L.A. Kings
NFL: Minnesota Vikings, Baltimore Ravens

Furthermore, the only college team I can think of who wears purple is Northwestern, a school whose football team has only won one bowl game (in 1949), and holds the Division 1-A records for losses and points allowed. Furthermore, Northwestern's most famous athlete alumni was Mike Adamle, notable for his commentary on the original American Gladiators. Which is kinda cool, actually. Nonetheless, it bears repeating: purple is for losers.


So, anyway, that's why I'm rooting for the Celtics, despite the fact that a Celtics victory will mean yet another championship for the city of Boston. Well, at least we Chicagoans didn't have to deal with this nightmare.