Thursday, July 24, 2008

Lonely knights


Today, I decided to go see The Dark Knight. Since I had been in Spain up until Monday, I didn't have a chance to see it last weekend. Of course, by the time I got back, everyone I knew had already seen it. Which left me with 2 options: (1) try to round up a group of scragglers/lackeys/hangers-on to see it with me, or (2) go see it alone. Since I didn't have shit else to do, I opted to see it alone.

As soon as I made my decision, I realized that I had never gone to a movie by myself. I don't know why, but there's something inherently weird about going to a movie alone. Why the fuck is that? You can't talk to anyone during the movie anyway. Besides, it's dark and no one can tell that you're the loser who's there alone (although, if you're going to see Batman at 12:20 on a Thursday, chances are everyone in the theater is a loser).

I feel the real reason for my solo movie-going awkwardness was based primarily on societal norms of group interaction. Whatever the fuck that means. Granted, there are some situations where being by yourself is not only acceptable, but advantageous (i.e. reading a book, or my love life for the past 25 years). But, there are others where, for whatever reason, it's just awkward to be by yourself, including:

1. Eating in a restaurant
I don't mean like a fast food or lunch place. I'm talking like a diner, or steakhouse. If you eat dinner alone at a real restaurant, it means (1) I don't know how to cook, and (2) I can't get a date. Why can't a man just go out for a good meal? Why does steak and social interaction with others go hand in hand? Let me eat my steak in peace.
(Editor's note: I've never eaten in a restaurant alone, but that's because I can't afford real people food. I'm currently subsisting on plums and dry oatmeal)



2. Drinking in a bar

This one's pretty obvious: if you're drinking alone in a bar, you're an alcoholic. Not only that, you're an alcoholic who can't even maintain relationships with other alcoholics. Then again, I've had times where I've had a few hours to kill, so I'll stop into a nearby bar for a beer. And I always feel weird as fuck! I don't know what to do....do I try to make conversation with the shady bartender so that he'll give me some urine-soaked peanuts? Try to watch the TV, even though it's showing highlights from the Johdpur-Mumbai cricket match? God forbid, attempt to make conversation with a member of the opposite sex?

Me: Hi, I'm Matt
Female: What are you doing here alone, you alcoholic loser?
Me: (glug)(sob)


3. Bowling
Bowling, like Golf, is an individual sport. While playing a round of golf alone is perfectly acceptable, bowling alone is incredibly weird. In fact, "Bowling Alone" is the title of a book by Robert Putnam, which explores the collapse of interpersonal connections within American communities. I haven't read this book, but Putnam did come to Michigan to give a lecture when I was in college. And he was full of shit. Look, if I want to improve my bowling game, I can't just wait around until a friend and/or internet date that's sure to end in horror decides to go bowling. I need to practice, and if that means feeling a little awkward, then so be it.
(Editor's note: I've never bowled alone either. I haven't sunk that low. Yet.)

So, anyway, I saw the Batman movie, and it was pretty good. The moral of the story? Fuck society. There's nothing wrong with being alone.

All alone.

Hold me, Batman. Why won't you hold me?

No comments: